The Difference Between Being Selfish & Going After Your Dreams

Have you ever been called selfish?

Have you ever felt selfish for choosing you, or for trying to change the habits or patterns in your day to align with what you want?

Maybe you’ve been:

-Craving a change in your health practices, and then getting called selfish for not buying junk food. 

-Wanting to have some quiet alone time - not parenting or partnering so you can write some more pages of this book, or watch a show you love.

-Trying to maneuver all of the moving pieces for your family and household so that you can go away for a weekend to take a workshop, or do a girls’ getaway.

The world has told us over and over that the ultimate compliment in mothering, partnering, and friending is selflessness. In order to be the most good, the “right” kind of mom and wife is to abandon her own needs. ANY time a woman expresses a need or desire to do something that brings her pleasure, peace, or expansion - it’s a challenge for her and everyone around her.

The worry of being selfish doesn’t just come from one place either-it’s layers and layers of forgoing what you need in order to obey, and therefore, be loved, acceptable, and not a burden by the people in your life.

The rules are prominent in our relationship with our parents and caregivers, our teachers and coaches in school, our siblings, our friends, and even our kids. There is a good way to be a mom and the easiest way is just to not need or ask for anything, so you are always giving.

I was told I was selfish when I was 17 and 18 because I wanted to move to a different state, and then again when I moved further away. It caused a lot of angst because my internal self was telling me to go explore, but the family who raised me-my original foundation-was telling me I was doing something wrong and hurtful. Selfish.

But, here’s what I discovered after years of trying everything I could to make sure everyone around me was okay and comfortable with my decisions. 

I was actually doing them and myself a disservice by listening and adjusting my actions to those rules and expectations.

What if I told you it was selfish to NOT go after your dreams??

1. If it is calling to you from within, it’s meant for you to pursue.
2. Other people are relying on you to DO, and not hide.
3. We are all co-creating experiences, so if someone doesn’t show up to play, the whole team suffers.

Every person we cross paths with can have a meaningful impact. Our paths crossing are also catalysts for change and inspiration for someone to take action in their life in a new way. 

1. Your gifts are the catalyst for someone else to launch into theirs.
2. Your impact is why you are here, and it doesn’t stop with your kids, your family, and your work. Those are just vehicles for you to learn the lessons and prepare for your impact as you evolve!
3. Selfish is what people call you when they are searching for happiness and contentment outside of themselves. They need you to be, do, or have something for them to feel whole and good. That is the literal definition of codependency - regardless of the label, you are NOT here to serve one person’s happiness.
4. Discomfort and fear are not the same as injury, trauma, and pain-discomfort is temporary.
   1. Knowing what feelings come up for the people you care about when you start pursuing your dreams is valuable.  There is a lot of B.S.out there telling you if someone doesn’t immediately respect and acts peppy about your new boundaries, they are garbage and toxic. That’s not the case though-it’s human and natural for other people to be taken off guard in your new decisions, especially ones that don’t align with your previous patterns.
   2. You can know that using compassion in your reassurance to and with those people, and STILL do you. 
   3. They will find their way through it, and regardless, you have to respect their journey and their lessons.
5. Everything we experience is a product of our choices, and is also preparing us for our impact. When things are hard, it’s stretching you and showing you your resiliency. When things are disappointing you, you are learning to be flexible so you can move with the next challenge. All of what you experience in this journey through and out of the preoccupation and concern of being selfish is you pulling away from someone else’s idea for your life, and stepping into yours.
6. You are hearing this message today because you are supposed to, and it was time for a reminder. Intellectually you may have already heard this - you know that your purpose is your responsibility. You know that putting it off until later isn’t working, and you already know that other people’s opinions about your decisions and your life-long impact are not your responsibility. Sometimes, we all need reminders of what we know, so we can put a little extra effort into leaning in that direction, and away from the old patterns that were limiting our authentic experience. 

Now that I have stepped fully in the path of pursuing only what I feel called to do and intentionally reject anything that isn’t exactly aligned with that, I can see with complete clarity how crucial it is for all of us to do this! I have many more adventures ahead of discovering new parts of myself, expanding in some that I’ve played small, and integrating others that have been shunned and labeled too much.

I know it is my duty, and my responsibility, to live fully and wholeheartedly, according to my purpose, my inner wisdom, and be the expert on my own journey.

This is true for you also.