Podcast Ep. 29: Feedback Confused Us About Who We Are

purpose self Aug 31, 2020

Feedback is how we learn how to exist in the world.

Body language, facial expressions, tone, eye contact - there is so much information we receive as kids that tell us how to show up.

We all know the mom look when your kids are doing something they know they aren’t supposed to. It’s a warning that you will be reacting to their choice if they continue.

As kids, we learned to read what our parents were expecting and wanting from us.





Learned about talking too much

Being too loud

Not being very funny

Creativity and imagination was either encouraged or dismantled via feedback

So part of the work we have to do to become the truest version of ourselves is to consider the feedback origin and look at what was decided for us because we were too young to trust ourselves over the people who took care of us.

This is not to demonize our parents or anyone else. Everyone gives feedback constantly - we are humans social creatures and communication is what we actually do most often.

My intention is 3 fold:

Recognize that what you “know” about yourself is often times filtered through other people’s experience of you way before this moment. 

Understand that you can dig up the person you were born to be by tracking those stories to the origins and rewriting that feedback for your own healing and authentic self recovery

And that you are giving and receiving feedback every day all day right now.

  1. The things you think you are bad at or the things you feel the most protective of about yourself are the things you received feedback about at a crucial moment in your life. Someone said “no, that’s not okay here”. It’s time to stop habitually believing you aren’t good at something or that a certain piece of you is too much because one person or even a gaggle of people in your life didn’t know how to respond appropriately to that part of you.
  2. The great news is that the original you is underneath all that misdirected feedback. And more good news is that there are people who are craving those parts of you and are waiting to celebrate them in big ways. It’s just a matter of trusting yourself to play in that part of yourself and figuring out who your people are to enjoy it.
  3. One of the most powerful things to consider is how you are telling people in your life what and where it’s okay to be the truest versions of themselves.
    1. Partners
    2. Kids
    3. Friends
    4. Family

As always, I’m going to remind you to remove judgment from every layer of this process.

Especially in looking at where and how you have offered feedback to your kids.

I can see how when my daughter was a toddler I unintentionally gave her feedback about being too much. How I reacted to her big feelings and her outward expression of self taught her that she needed to tone it down, be less of that part of herself.

At first this was crushing. Now I am just doing the work to reverse that unspoken story I gave her and help her practice being her truest self being extra aware of the feedback I'm giving constantly.

There is a difference between filtering what you tell someone about themselves, being intentional about that interaction and then overly accommodating forgoing your own needs. 

When you ask for what you need and own that your needs are yours alone, the other person isn’t told anything about their inherent value or traits.

You can put boundaries in place without criticizing or critiquing someone else.

It does take practice to do both so be easy on yourself while you navigate this part of your journey.

This idea of feedback has been so valuable in my efforts to be my truest self and also support others to do the same.

I’m excited to hear what you observe as you apply the idea of feedback to your past relationships, your current ones and what you will find in your truest self that has been hiding away unnecessarily for too long.


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